links and bias

I have been frustrated that several websites for active and interesting professional organizations simply do not appear in google searches at all. Even when I put in the name of the organization, their acronym, or pretty much their exact website address. Because both organizations are about promoting women, it makes me wonder if there isn't some gender bias in the search engine optimization.

Articles about them show up. Their Facebook page shows up. Just not their main page. The one I'm obviously trying to find, or at least may be interested in. It isn't that I'm insisting that it shows up at the top of the list. I just want it to be on the list.

One thing that is supposed to help is if other websites link to them. So here I will do my part. Because, heck, my little cobweb-covered blog full of dead links shows up in searches.

Iowa Women in Architecture (iawia) http://www.iawomenarch.org/

Equity By Design (EQxD) http://eqxdesign.com

Google, take that!

rights and responsibilities

I have become increasingly frustrated at the growing division in the world and particularly in this country. The people who think the gap between the rich and poor is caused by the poor who do not try hard enough. With people who hide behind corporations to funnel their money towards whatever will give them more power, without responsibility towards people or the planet. I worry that short term greed will destroy us all. I fear the growing distrust of logic and science. I see far too many parallels to times in the past of robber barons and great hardship.

I have been searching for what can give me hope through this time. I see those who have outrage at the executives who give themselves ridiculous bonuses while causing disaster and leaving thousands out of work. I see activism for rights and justice. And the more these times parallel those of the past, the more I remember that we humans survived those too.

return and connection

I am back, and yet, looking on the topics already covered, I haven't really gone too far. I logged in to collect some links to inspiring blogs. Then my husband found my old posts and was moved by all the gratitude. It encouraged me to go back and read what had been written. In so many ways I come back to the same topics in my life over and over.

I am now working on a first peace circle class. It is helping me to see connections across many of these topics and focus on the connections between myself and others. The link above is to a video that I was sent from another source, but seems to fit to the topic of the peace circle well. The last lines of the video strike me the most:

to let ourselves be seen

to love with our whole heart

to practice gratitude and joy

I am enough.

I am realizing that I have the urge to write these things down so that I may be reminded of them when I need them in the future.

nausea and hormones

so i am seven weeks today. it doesn't feel like i am pregnant but just enough nausea and hormones to make me feel unsettled, distracted and worried. also part of my worry is keeping it secret at work still. i guess i don't know how much sympathy i want yet. how much of my being distracted is just me being lazy and how much is the hormones. i worry about so much and then i am just exhausted and cranky at night. part of me just wants to bust out crying right now but i can't.

diet and exercise

so after the wonderful weekend of exercise i am motivated to try to get a better handle on what i eat. a manifesto of sorts has developed over the years and it is time to start writing it down.

anything i carry home from the store is okay
food made from scratch is okay
impulse buys in the produce section are okay

i don't need seconds
i don't need one of each
i don't need to get the most economical size
i don't need to clean my plate

i will not wear clothes that are too small and make me feel fat
i will not feel guilty for missing my goals

i will be active and do what i enjoy
i will avoid high fructose corn syrup

rhythm and movement

the past couple of days have been overflowing with things to be grateful for.
thursday we had tai chi class which relaxed me and made me feel like i was starting to put some things right with me and my body.
friday the resolution of a major stress at work. then i got the official promotion (and increased pay) to match the work i have been doing the past six months and reviews to say i've been doing it well.
Saturday i slept in then had a drumming class that just woke up something magical in me. i loved it, the community and i was totally in the zone. will i buy myself a drum and continue at home?
then i had dancing in the evening. it pushed me harder and was more enjoyable than my usual martial arts workout. too bad it is not a long term option.
then the church service on Sunday where the reading was on needing to be of use even if the task is mundane. followed by lunch and a sewing class that just opened a long dormant creative side.
and all throughout my husband has been very wonderful to me. i've probably gotten to the point of annoying him because i've said so too much.
the best part is that i get to do it again next week and many more. this winter is set to be very inspiring.
even my business trip is turning out to let me visit my parents tomorrow evening if only for a little while.
life has been good lately.

bad habits and ex-boyfriends

procrastination is haunting me these days. too much time checking emails and forums. not enough being productive. i am thankful my work gives me the flexibility, but perhaps it is a little too much at this time.

the other thing on my mind lately is exes. the first one i am glad i didn't resume contact with although things still remind me of him. the second one i ran across online. his flicker page reminded me of his artistry, his humor, his sense of adventure and being at home in the world. it made me very thankful for all he had taught me. for a while i couldn't remember why i wasn't still in love with him. i think it has something to do with a lack of commitment to the relationship. but at the same time i ache to show my husband how he reminds me of 2's good parts and show him those parts that have made me who i am now. but i can't because i know firsthand from 1 how much that would hurt.

numbers and identity

i just recently found out that i have achieved a major goal - i passed all my architecture exams and can now call myself an architect. i sent in my check and am waiting for my license to arrive in the mail. as a registered architect i will now have a number that defines me in the public record. i find this a strange contrast to the videos of "the prisoner" that i received for christmas, where the theme is a struggle to not be just a number.

serendipity

i read an entry on zen habits that talked about having a word to focus on for the year. then i heard a friend say something similar in their annual letter. finally i ran across an app called igratitude on a day when i was feeling very blessed (only shortly after a day when i was really crabby and in pain). i looked up and saw my window sticker -"gratitude". i guess all in preparation for that to be my word this year.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPod touch]

women and babies

this weekend was a women's retreat, and much thinking about what it means for me to be a woman and a scientist/engineer. somehow being a woman i feel isolated from my co-workers, while at the same time being a scientist sets me at a distance from the group of women. the quote that has bothered me most is "wow, you must be really smart" - said by someone who knew nothing about me other than that I worked with engineers. that alone does not make me smart - any dilbert can be an engineer. but her comment did mark a distance between us that only added to my isolation.

the above video is by someone i met at a talk tonight, talking about the power women have that is demonstrated in giving birth. i have always assumed i would give birth by c-section since that is the way i was born and i have inherited my mom's physiology. is natural birth an option for me and how strongly should i pursue it? i guess i will be finding out in the next year or so.

and finally there was a baby shower at work today and all i could think about is how i will feel when it is my turn. there is that nagging voice in my head that says when a male co-worker has a child, he gets a pay raise because now he is more stable and has a family to support. that awful voice inside me points out the time i will have to take off from work, and that my priorities will be towards my child, and will be perceived as such. there is little that i can see that would make my boss want to give me a pay raise for having a child. i have been terribly frustrated of late in my perceived inequity of pay/title/assignments at work, and am convinced that having a child will only make it harder to establish my identity at work and in my personal life. i feel like i don't have enough time and energy to excel at work or at home now, not enough to spend on myself, i wonder how i will manage being a mother.

i can't post this without a grain of gratitude in it - i am thankful for my husband, who will manage to get me through this.

originally posted several months ago, but the date updated when i added a tag

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPod touch]

dilbert and wally

the other day i was introduced at work as the only woman by a colleauge to his wife. she exclaimed that i must be so smart. the woman had a phd so she wasn't dumb herself. it just makes me frustrated that i have to be a genius to do my job, but a guy can be any dilbert or sally to do it.

PS this is my first post from my iPod and hopefully i can connect here more often this way.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPod touch]

my holiday

the thought crossed my mind a few days ago, that this holiday coming up is not just a hassle of family get-togethers and trying to call it a vacation from work. it is the holiday of this blog, my holiday, a day to give thanks and well up as much gratitude as i can. i was feeling a bit low on that a week or two ago, so it feels good to have it coming back.

i am thankful for my husband, who not only supports my rearrangement of the house, but adds more ideas to it so that it will work even better. i am thankful for my sister who, in going through her own discouraging time at work, reminds me that i am not the only one who feels how i do about my job. and that is just today.

i was shaken the other day, when my husband described the past few months as the happiest time in his life. i was shaken because i could not say the same for myself. i could not muster up enough gratitude for what i currently have to be completely happy. i got to thinking of what the happiest time in my life would be, and what was the worst. instead i slowly realized that i always seem to have very happy and sad times no matter what my situation. and i guess that's pretty good. for now, i will be thankful for that.

unclutter time

i've been thinking about my packrat problem recently, then i saw this post today. i guess it is time to get started. in some ways, i have been helping my husband do this in the kitchen already. and we are planning a major rearrangement of the house, so a good decluttering first would make things easier. it has helped that we live in a tiny house, so there is a manageable amount of stuff. the targets will be my office (to be converted to the dining room, which i think will actually help me work there more) and the shelves of papers and other junk from college. it would be nice to have more storage space in the basement and that's the only way to get it.

dance

i have been feeling increasingly frustrated at work and at home. i think part of it is that i haven't gotten to dance recently. over the past year, my husband has gotten his dream motorcycle, his dream camera, but he doesn't seem to understand that what i wish for can't be bought. i watched a video this evening titled "dances of ecstasy" and it reminded me of how important dance is to connecting with my soul. a connection that feels quite weak lately. there was a quote that went something like - dance is gratitude, saying thank you for existence.

part of me feels i need to do more of that, to do it right now. the other part of me is very tired and wants to go to bed. i think the second part is winning for now.

my dream

okay, so the above link is not my dream, but perhaps my closest competition.

from the beginning. lately i have been feeling frustrated at work - what i do everyday is not my dream, it is not my passion, much of the time i don't even feel all that effective. i had a dream a few nights ago that i went back to work at the physics teaching labs. that is the part time job i had while i was in college. the one that i resigned from at the end of every school year and went back to every fall. i loved it. i loved the hands on experimentation. i loved the high tech and the low tech. i loved the retro equipment we had access to. i even loved the monotony of setting the equipment up, taking it down, repairing, constructing numerous copies. i loved teaching through objects.

so this got me to thinking, what is my passion now? what would i do if i found out i only had a few weeks or months to live? certainly not my current job. i thought back to my dream of creating a textbook (or similar) that taught algebra to visual and tactile learners. the abstraction of algebra reveals a magic in numbers. i have met far too many friends who have missed this, are plenty smart, but never "clicked" with their algebra teacher. i have an opportunity to explain a concept to them, finally they understand it, and it stokes my desire to show them the whole picture.

but why the particular link above? my vision of this book is a small, pocket edition. i have several science books of the scale i imagine inherited from my parents; i used to have the college algebra and calculus texts as well, but left them in africa as a resource for the next teacher. they were published by W.A. Benjamin publishers in the 1960's. that company was taken over by the publisher of the above book. i don't know if the above book teaches in the way i imagine, it might, based on the title, but the price and size are far above what i want. there is something about the scale of math and science books of yesteryear that i admire, a density and clarity to the text, concise and to the point.

there is some glimmer of what i imagine in the singapore math textbooks. every problem has a graphic solution. i would like to see how they transition this to algebra, but i am having trouble finding what i am looking for.

i also have inspiration in many of the wooden books, and in the works of Tufte. perhaps someday i can get these pieces to come together.

writing this reminded me of the stories of teaching calculus to 6 year olds. i looked it up (it turned out it was 7 year olds), but the content was inspiring (www.mathman.biz). this is the direction i want to go, but with the emphasis on algebra rather than calculus. this is a set of materials that feels worth ordering. hopefully it is as inspiring when it arrives.

little hands

i followed this link because of my interest in sign language and desire to use it with my children when they are young. well i watched the whole thing because i was impressed by the expressiveness of the voiceover.

musical timewarp

on several occasions i have found myself following link after related link on youtube following historical records of artists i know now, mesmerized by how they are at once so very different from how i know them now and at the same time i can see the essence of what they will become.i find myself searching to trace the transition to the present.  other times i run into artists i have never known but wish i had. 

the example linked above is an early genesis video with both peter gabriel and phil collins. both look so young! the music is really out there and i can only imagine how it made sense in the context of the seventies.

other interesting and similar threads to search include: steve winwood, ray charles, eric clapton, stevie wonder, eric burdon, alan price, james hunter, glenn miller, gene krupa

mechanical calculators and analog electronics

i just heard about this beautiful mechanical calculator and it kindled the spark inside me. i connected that with the news on the radio this morning about television going digital. i have always loved the power of analog electronics which i think are not appreciated enough these days in the rush to go digital. i was amazed in college to learn of the complexity of calculations that can be constructed using analog electronics, so that the system acts out the solution instead of having to take the time to calculate it. i also fear that my children will miss the magic of taking a few simple pieces of wire and electronics to capture the invisible radio waves around them. having those signals digital makes them less directly accessible.

putting both of these things together makes me believe that perhaps i am reincarnated from some early 20th century amateur scientist (tinkerer). perhaps that helps to explain my love of dances from that era too.

amateur scientist

hmm.. i listened to this talk and it really made me appreciate my experience growing up. i did fiddle with things, do thing hands-on, and hence the questions were not difficult for me. i am surprised that they are difficult for other scientists. similarly class and another comment i heard today have gotten me thinking about skills that have been lost over the last century. ones that are recorded in my boy scout handbook, old cookbooks, and similar resources.

watch all the way through the ad at the end, an interesting idea about how the culture will change once we can take the internet with us. i hope it turns out as positive as they make it seem.

go back to the beginning

okay so maybe not the beginning (the line from princess bride still echoes in my head), since i really didn't do too much latex until grad school, but it feels like going back to something essential that i love.

also, the little animations in the left margin of each page showing elegant geometric proofs just fascinate me

business creativity

i sometimes feel a conflict between my work and my artistic side. the linked article addresses some of that dilemma and is sympathetic to my struggles.

right brain left brain

at church this morning, the sermon was based heavily on this ted talk

it made me think how one of my motivations for starting this blog was to capture those things in life that had inspired me, and i guess i had been having the urge to get them all written down before i forgot them. the sermon reassured me that most things that have inspired me will come around again, so i don't need to worry about recording the mountain of experiences in the past, but rather can focus on the present.

the topic of the sermon was the spirituality of the right and left brain. to me it echoed the title i chose for my blog - the left side, organized, making goals for the future and full of worry, the right side, full of amazement, interconnectedness, gratitude.

the speaker described how music allowed him to focus on thinking with his right brain; his description reminded me of my own thoughts while dancing. for sure there will be more on dancing later

equilibrium

so I run into a cool set of physics tricks that I would love to try with my kid in the future

varied interests

i have so many thoughts of things to include in this blog, the first post will be a brain dump, and then hopefully as i dig into each of these topics, it will become a place to record my findings

topics may or may not include:

financial tools, socially responsible investing

architecture record exam

history of popular and swing music

chinese

sign language

zen buddhism

interesting videos of many sorts

weight loss

things that make me smile

lindy hop and swing dance

inspiration

meditation

comedy

ruby

ubuntu and LaTeX

various wiki and google misadventures

i will update this list as needed, but for now i will get back to  those things i needed to do in the real world.