women and babies

this weekend was a women's retreat, and much thinking about what it means for me to be a woman and a scientist/engineer. somehow being a woman i feel isolated from my co-workers, while at the same time being a scientist sets me at a distance from the group of women. the quote that has bothered me most is "wow, you must be really smart" - said by someone who knew nothing about me other than that I worked with engineers. that alone does not make me smart - any dilbert can be an engineer. but her comment did mark a distance between us that only added to my isolation.

the above video is by someone i met at a talk tonight, talking about the power women have that is demonstrated in giving birth. i have always assumed i would give birth by c-section since that is the way i was born and i have inherited my mom's physiology. is natural birth an option for me and how strongly should i pursue it? i guess i will be finding out in the next year or so.

and finally there was a baby shower at work today and all i could think about is how i will feel when it is my turn. there is that nagging voice in my head that says when a male co-worker has a child, he gets a pay raise because now he is more stable and has a family to support. that awful voice inside me points out the time i will have to take off from work, and that my priorities will be towards my child, and will be perceived as such. there is little that i can see that would make my boss want to give me a pay raise for having a child. i have been terribly frustrated of late in my perceived inequity of pay/title/assignments at work, and am convinced that having a child will only make it harder to establish my identity at work and in my personal life. i feel like i don't have enough time and energy to excel at work or at home now, not enough to spend on myself, i wonder how i will manage being a mother.

i can't post this without a grain of gratitude in it - i am thankful for my husband, who will manage to get me through this.

originally posted several months ago, but the date updated when i added a tag

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPod touch]