bad habits and ex-boyfriends

procrastination is haunting me these days. too much time checking emails and forums. not enough being productive. i am thankful my work gives me the flexibility, but perhaps it is a little too much at this time.

the other thing on my mind lately is exes. the first one i am glad i didn't resume contact with although things still remind me of him. the second one i ran across online. his flicker page reminded me of his artistry, his humor, his sense of adventure and being at home in the world. it made me very thankful for all he had taught me. for a while i couldn't remember why i wasn't still in love with him. i think it has something to do with a lack of commitment to the relationship. but at the same time i ache to show my husband how he reminds me of 2's good parts and show him those parts that have made me who i am now. but i can't because i know firsthand from 1 how much that would hurt.

numbers and identity

i just recently found out that i have achieved a major goal - i passed all my architecture exams and can now call myself an architect. i sent in my check and am waiting for my license to arrive in the mail. as a registered architect i will now have a number that defines me in the public record. i find this a strange contrast to the videos of "the prisoner" that i received for christmas, where the theme is a struggle to not be just a number.

serendipity

i read an entry on zen habits that talked about having a word to focus on for the year. then i heard a friend say something similar in their annual letter. finally i ran across an app called igratitude on a day when i was feeling very blessed (only shortly after a day when i was really crabby and in pain). i looked up and saw my window sticker -"gratitude". i guess all in preparation for that to be my word this year.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPod touch]

women and babies

this weekend was a women's retreat, and much thinking about what it means for me to be a woman and a scientist/engineer. somehow being a woman i feel isolated from my co-workers, while at the same time being a scientist sets me at a distance from the group of women. the quote that has bothered me most is "wow, you must be really smart" - said by someone who knew nothing about me other than that I worked with engineers. that alone does not make me smart - any dilbert can be an engineer. but her comment did mark a distance between us that only added to my isolation.

the above video is by someone i met at a talk tonight, talking about the power women have that is demonstrated in giving birth. i have always assumed i would give birth by c-section since that is the way i was born and i have inherited my mom's physiology. is natural birth an option for me and how strongly should i pursue it? i guess i will be finding out in the next year or so.

and finally there was a baby shower at work today and all i could think about is how i will feel when it is my turn. there is that nagging voice in my head that says when a male co-worker has a child, he gets a pay raise because now he is more stable and has a family to support. that awful voice inside me points out the time i will have to take off from work, and that my priorities will be towards my child, and will be perceived as such. there is little that i can see that would make my boss want to give me a pay raise for having a child. i have been terribly frustrated of late in my perceived inequity of pay/title/assignments at work, and am convinced that having a child will only make it harder to establish my identity at work and in my personal life. i feel like i don't have enough time and energy to excel at work or at home now, not enough to spend on myself, i wonder how i will manage being a mother.

i can't post this without a grain of gratitude in it - i am thankful for my husband, who will manage to get me through this.

originally posted several months ago, but the date updated when i added a tag

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPod touch]

dilbert and wally

the other day i was introduced at work as the only woman by a colleauge to his wife. she exclaimed that i must be so smart. the woman had a phd so she wasn't dumb herself. it just makes me frustrated that i have to be a genius to do my job, but a guy can be any dilbert or sally to do it.

PS this is my first post from my iPod and hopefully i can connect here more often this way.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPod touch]