nausea and hormones

so i am seven weeks today. it doesn't feel like i am pregnant but just enough nausea and hormones to make me feel unsettled, distracted and worried. also part of my worry is keeping it secret at work still. i guess i don't know how much sympathy i want yet. how much of my being distracted is just me being lazy and how much is the hormones. i worry about so much and then i am just exhausted and cranky at night. part of me just wants to bust out crying right now but i can't.

diet and exercise

so after the wonderful weekend of exercise i am motivated to try to get a better handle on what i eat. a manifesto of sorts has developed over the years and it is time to start writing it down.

anything i carry home from the store is okay
food made from scratch is okay
impulse buys in the produce section are okay

i don't need seconds
i don't need one of each
i don't need to get the most economical size
i don't need to clean my plate

i will not wear clothes that are too small and make me feel fat
i will not feel guilty for missing my goals

i will be active and do what i enjoy
i will avoid high fructose corn syrup

rhythm and movement

the past couple of days have been overflowing with things to be grateful for.
thursday we had tai chi class which relaxed me and made me feel like i was starting to put some things right with me and my body.
friday the resolution of a major stress at work. then i got the official promotion (and increased pay) to match the work i have been doing the past six months and reviews to say i've been doing it well.
Saturday i slept in then had a drumming class that just woke up something magical in me. i loved it, the community and i was totally in the zone. will i buy myself a drum and continue at home?
then i had dancing in the evening. it pushed me harder and was more enjoyable than my usual martial arts workout. too bad it is not a long term option.
then the church service on Sunday where the reading was on needing to be of use even if the task is mundane. followed by lunch and a sewing class that just opened a long dormant creative side.
and all throughout my husband has been very wonderful to me. i've probably gotten to the point of annoying him because i've said so too much.
the best part is that i get to do it again next week and many more. this winter is set to be very inspiring.
even my business trip is turning out to let me visit my parents tomorrow evening if only for a little while.
life has been good lately.

bad habits and ex-boyfriends

procrastination is haunting me these days. too much time checking emails and forums. not enough being productive. i am thankful my work gives me the flexibility, but perhaps it is a little too much at this time.

the other thing on my mind lately is exes. the first one i am glad i didn't resume contact with although things still remind me of him. the second one i ran across online. his flicker page reminded me of his artistry, his humor, his sense of adventure and being at home in the world. it made me very thankful for all he had taught me. for a while i couldn't remember why i wasn't still in love with him. i think it has something to do with a lack of commitment to the relationship. but at the same time i ache to show my husband how he reminds me of 2's good parts and show him those parts that have made me who i am now. but i can't because i know firsthand from 1 how much that would hurt.

numbers and identity

i just recently found out that i have achieved a major goal - i passed all my architecture exams and can now call myself an architect. i sent in my check and am waiting for my license to arrive in the mail. as a registered architect i will now have a number that defines me in the public record. i find this a strange contrast to the videos of "the prisoner" that i received for christmas, where the theme is a struggle to not be just a number.

serendipity

i read an entry on zen habits that talked about having a word to focus on for the year. then i heard a friend say something similar in their annual letter. finally i ran across an app called igratitude on a day when i was feeling very blessed (only shortly after a day when i was really crabby and in pain). i looked up and saw my window sticker -"gratitude". i guess all in preparation for that to be my word this year.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPod touch]

women and babies

this weekend was a women's retreat, and much thinking about what it means for me to be a woman and a scientist/engineer. somehow being a woman i feel isolated from my co-workers, while at the same time being a scientist sets me at a distance from the group of women. the quote that has bothered me most is "wow, you must be really smart" - said by someone who knew nothing about me other than that I worked with engineers. that alone does not make me smart - any dilbert can be an engineer. but her comment did mark a distance between us that only added to my isolation.

the above video is by someone i met at a talk tonight, talking about the power women have that is demonstrated in giving birth. i have always assumed i would give birth by c-section since that is the way i was born and i have inherited my mom's physiology. is natural birth an option for me and how strongly should i pursue it? i guess i will be finding out in the next year or so.

and finally there was a baby shower at work today and all i could think about is how i will feel when it is my turn. there is that nagging voice in my head that says when a male co-worker has a child, he gets a pay raise because now he is more stable and has a family to support. that awful voice inside me points out the time i will have to take off from work, and that my priorities will be towards my child, and will be perceived as such. there is little that i can see that would make my boss want to give me a pay raise for having a child. i have been terribly frustrated of late in my perceived inequity of pay/title/assignments at work, and am convinced that having a child will only make it harder to establish my identity at work and in my personal life. i feel like i don't have enough time and energy to excel at work or at home now, not enough to spend on myself, i wonder how i will manage being a mother.

i can't post this without a grain of gratitude in it - i am thankful for my husband, who will manage to get me through this.

originally posted several months ago, but the date updated when i added a tag

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPod touch]

dilbert and wally

the other day i was introduced at work as the only woman by a colleauge to his wife. she exclaimed that i must be so smart. the woman had a phd so she wasn't dumb herself. it just makes me frustrated that i have to be a genius to do my job, but a guy can be any dilbert or sally to do it.

PS this is my first post from my iPod and hopefully i can connect here more often this way.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPod touch]